Lies

Ugh, Lies. They're a real Kill-Joy. Literally. 

I don't even know when it started. 

I don't really know when lying became a way of life for me. I just know it started with something pretty small, probably, because lies don't start out huge and life-altering. They're just small, little "white" lies, that are accompanied by a belief similar to:

* "It doesn't REALLY matter if you don't include that major detail, lead them to believe what they want to believe and everyone will be happy and be at peace..." *

And then the lies grow, little by little, until they totally consume and cripple it's victim, sucking the life and joy out of the "liar", and turns them inside out, living in constant fear of being caught.

But, a liar isn't JUST a liar. In my own personal experience, I lied because I was a die-hard people-pleaser. I never had any intention of keeping information from people to hurt them, I fully intended that every "partial truth" would benefit the person I was talking to, because it would somehow make them feel better about themselves, me or our relationship. 

So, you see, I was actually CREATING PEACE instead of the SURE conflict and tension that was to come from me telling the truth (which would reveal that I was less than perfect) and making sure that everything went smoooooooothly. If conflict was so crippling and devastating that I would rather DIE than sit in any tension, then the only "logical" thing to do was to tell people what I thought they wanted to hear. So, problem solved, crisis averted....blog post done.

Actually, no, none of those things. 

Lying brings death. 

We all know this from the beginning of time - Genesis, Adam and Eve, the serpent, the garden, that daaarn apple, the whole thing... And from that, I learned to never eat an apple from a forbidden tree, when offered to me by a snake. Hey, it worked! I can honestly say, I've never done that exact thing. Lesson learned!  Moving on.

However, on a very much, more "Real" level, the serpent, the enemy, the one that is out to seek, kill and destroy us... He's a really smart, sneaky, patient, Killer. By convincing me of a seemingly "true" point, like "Don't tell them that, that'll just make THEM mad, it'll get YOU in trouble and cause tension, just keep the Peace! (Be Like Jesus)"  - he started forming these beliefs in my head that led me to justify my actions and lies. 

In the spirit of honesty, I'll share some very real lies that I believed and lived by - somehow convinced they were true:

*Jesus only loves me when I'm good, therefore, always "BE" good - do the right things, say the right things, dress the right way,  - and hide the parts that AREN'T GOOD. (no one needs to see or know about those, it would only cause tension and punishment, why would I bring that on myself?)

*People only like me when I can serve a purpose to them. Do what makes everyone happy, avoid tension, and you will be happy! 

(P.S. It's REALLY EASY to make EVERYBODY happy ALL THE TIME, it has a 100% success rate of never working)

*As long as everyone hears what they want to hear, I can do whatever I want and be happy.

*Men are only interested in one thing. As long as I believed lie #2, and I could serve a "purpose", I would be "accepted", "loved", "never alone"...

The thing about these lies is that 1) they built quite a wall around me that I could never let down because there were soo many lies, I was drowning in which lie I had told whom, what the timeline was of that lie and who knew the truth, vs. who didn't and the constant fear of "If the wrong people found out the wrong thing..." And, 2) That wall kept out Truth and Love and Peace and Joy.  *simply*

*That wall kept ME secluded with the enemy, and secluded FROM God (and my precious family)*

It was incredibly lonely and Fear-based and panic-stricken and depressing.

Those lies, that I had believed would bring me peace and satisfaction, and would let me "be myself", were keeping me from my TRUE identity, and from True Peace. 

It turns out, also, that as I was dishing out those lies, the enemy was pouring in more and more lies, and was using these lies against me, taking different situations in my life as evidence that these Lies were actually True.

For instance, when I would give a guy "what he wanted" and yet he cheated on me and left me - "See?! It's true! Guys only want one thing, they're not to be trusted!" (Build that wall up higher, don't let ANYONE in! Trust NO one!")

Or, when I sensed disappointment from someone: "Yeah, you definitely can't trust them to know the TRUTH about you! They'd never forgive you and what's worse..they wouldn't LIKE YOU anymore" *Gasp!*

So as those lies, like heavy bricks, were being built around me, my view of the world was changing. Suddenly, GOD was the judgemental, unforgiving, damning, punishing, hateful Great Authority Figure that would never forgive me, never take me back in, never let me forget and would make me pay for the rest of my life, if He ever knew the real me! 
(Because, you can DEFINITELY HIDE from God, especially if you're wearing the right, modest skirt and singing in church on Sunday!)

And, I was left isolated. Because no one, not even GOD was trustworthy. And my world began to cave in around me. 

I had one tiny breathing hole in my brick cave. 
My family. They still hadn't disowned me. They still let me be around, they still wanted to talk to me. It was confusing, really. "WHY? Why do they even want me around?!"

And then, one day, completely suffocating in my life of lies, I got pregnant. 

*Boom* *Crash* *Bang* Life was over. 

My immediate thought was, "Well, I guess I'll move to Europe and disappear for 9 months until I come back with a.... baby??"... I mean, that's how far the lies had taken me. I was so sure that my family would completely disown me, cut me off, blacklist me, that my only option would be to run away.

All the lying had caught up to me and I was found out. There was no hiding this. I thought I would DIE from the pressure that was exploding in my chest. My life was over. And there was absolutely nowhere to go, nowhere to hide and no one to blame. 

I can't even describe what happened next. 

First, because I can't see the keyboard thru my tears. Remembering how my family rallied around me, showed me incredible Grace and forgiveness in a way I had NEVER known possible. And Second, I feel like I can't do justice to the FEELING, the EMOTION that happened in that one weekend. 

My parents came in, so gracefully, not lecturing, not yelling and saying how much I had hurt and devastated them...No. As I sat in the Dr's office with my parents and a couple of my sisters, in tears, they gathered around me and....PRAYED. 

{ Seriously, I just had to pause for a bit to let some emotion out, because, you guys, the GRACE. The LOVE. In the darkest, worst time of my life and, possibly, theirs, to that point... They displayed God's heart, it was like being in Heaven, surrounded by an army of Light and Love and Acceptance. It was the Presence of God right there in that room.}

That weekend was a Free-ing weekend for me, as I sat, surrounded by my family (one of my sisters even flew in from out of town to be there) and one by one, the lies started coming out and Truth started breaking thru and tears and forgiveness were flowing. 

You know what's interesting about lies? Especially lies from the enemy... They're really close to the truth, even having some truth in them. So, sometimes, it's easy to think that a lie is the opposite of the truth, but that's not necessarily always true. 

For instance, God. 

Yeah. God IS judgemental, damning, punishing, when it comes TO SATAN and the way he tries to destroy the God's children! He's not  judgemental, unforgiving, damning, punishing, to ME! 

Oh, I know we all "deserve hell", But that's just part A that leads to part B that equals Part C! - (* Ok, obviously, I'm not a Math whiz. But, bear with me.*) -

God's heart for me is relationship with Him. Knowing the way the enemy would work to destroy me and my desire to know God, by feeding me lies, that resulted in me living in sin and death, He sent Jesus to defeat the enemy once and for all, which would Redeem and Restore my relationship with Him! (A-->B=C)  

Now, THAT is some kind of  Power! 

And, goodness, God must REALLY want to be in relationship with me, eh?

Let me add this about the lying. Yes, there were consequences to me lying. Consequences to my actions. 

Among many others, Believing the lie that "the only thing I'm good for, the only way to gain acceptance and love is to sleep with someone" - yeah, that led to pregnancy, eventually.

But, God didn't punish me for sleeping with someone. NO, the enemy had me bound up so tightly in those lies, that getting pregnant was actually the thing that God used to bring me freedom. When my "worst case scenario" happened and instead of all the fears the enemy had instilled in me, I received Grace and Acceptance and Love from those around me, that brought Freedom to my heart. It unravelled the chains around me that had me bound up in all those lies.

In fact, the "Consequence" of my actions, ended up being the VERY THING that God used to bring me to Him, To REDEEM my life, To fulfill Promises, To give me Purpose and Life... and JOY and Peace and determination and desire to find out more about this Loving and forgiving and patient and KIND and healing God. 

Because of Aurora, that tiny little heartbeat of Life inside me, I knew I had to fight. 

Fight to LIVE. Fight the lies, fight for truth.

I have often said I'm not a fighter, but I guess when it comes to fighting the enemy, I'm a pretty strong "Princess Warrior" kind-of fighter :) 

And, maybe it's because I know how devastating and suffocating and destructive those lies were to me. And, I refuse to let the enemy have any hold on my heart with any lie (or daaaarn apple) it tries to get me to bite into. 

That's actually why I continue my inner healing sessions - because the enemy is sneaky, and sometimes there are lies I didn't even know were lies, that are still implanted in my heart that God so gently removes and replaces with His Truth. Every time, removing me from bondage and bringing me into beautiful Gardens of Freedom, where I experience Acceptance and Love and Grace and Truth and Peace. 

Ahhhhh! Truth is so much sweeter and Free-ing-er. *It's totally a word*... and lighter. and WAY more Peaceful. And can we all just decide to live in that from now on and never believe another lie from the enemy again?! Mmmmkay, yeah, that'd be great. 

Psalm 40:2 - He brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock and established my goings.