Abuse

It took me a couple of years to "label" my past relationships as "abusive". 
There wasn't a lot of PHYSICAL abuse, so I actually felt like I was being dramatic by calling it "abusive" - and, I felt like I was downplaying other women's "REAL" Abuse by labelling mine "Abusive".  

In my mind, Abuse always meant active physical harm. But, as I started to let my guard down, two years after one particular relationship was over *>knowing glance<*, it started  dawning on me that I had quite a few beliefs and behaviors that weren't really "ME". and weren't healthy beliefs and thought patterns. 

For instance, I was convinced that I was "sickly". I was "too sick" to go do this or that...hang out with friends, sisters, mom, family, etc.. (Because if I believed I was sick, I wouldn't go OUT, then I wouldn't be with PEOPLE, that would tell me how crazy this treatment was).....TWO MONTHS after being away from that, I remember walking up the stairs at my sister's house, where Aurora and I were living, and the thought hit me, "I'm ...not...sick.... I've been "going" and doing things for *two months* and I haven't been sick.. I'M NOT SICK!"

Control, Manipulation, Mind Games, Fear. It's all horrible and it's all abuse.

   

With physical abuse, the victims can see their scars, the bruises, the bleeding. With mental and emotional abuse, it's so subtle that the victim (me) doesn't even see it's happening. 

I don't remember ever "allowing" the behavior, I just loved that person so much that I wanted them to be happy. As a natural "people pleaser", the issue was magnified by my deep love for this person and wanting to do whatever it took to make them happy. Because, I was told, *THAT* completely depended on me.

"If you have dinner ready as soon as he walks through the door...."

"If the house is spotless....."

"If you are dressed "the the nines!" with make up and hair done..."

"If the children are quietly playing in their room..."

It's solely dependent on ME. 

If *I* create the perfect spa-like house with myself as the perfect swimsuit model greeting him at the door....THEN!! and, MAYBE THEN!!! I can make my man happy and ....he won't...........what?? Yell?...be abusive to my child?...throw things?...turn to porn....and other addictive behaviors??? I mean, what is my goal here?? Oh yes, make him happy WHATEVER IT TAKES. So....................Hmmm, yeah.... THAT'S healthy AND IT WORKED!!! 

*There needs to be a "sarcasm" font, I've been saying this for years. Get  ON it, font-people!*

And, in the end, what is my reward? What is the prize I'm working toward? 

****PEACE****. #everheardofit?!

But, that's NOT what I got and instead, what WAS re-iterated to my already weak view of myself was:

*I am NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

*I will NEVER be good enough.

*I will never measure up.

*My only value is in what I can do for that person, right when they need it, at their whim.

*My ONLY purpose is to serve.

*As long as I'm usefull, I'm wanted.

*As soon as I am not useful, I'm ....EASILY REPLACEABLE.

*My opinions don't matter.

*My voice (opinions/thoughts) does not matter.

*Keep quiet = keep the peace.

*I don't deserve to be valued.

*I don't deserve to be loved.

*I deserve this treatment.

*I deserve a hard life.

*No one will ever love me like "this". (THANK GOD.) 

*I am worthless.

*I am value-less.

*I am garbage.

Whooooooaaaaaaaa. 

Whoa.

It's been a while since I re-lived those beliefs. Seeing them all in one page - such small words, such HUGE impact. 

To think that I LIVED my LIFE based on these beliefs about ME and the world around me, (including GOD).... Is it any wonder that I suffered with depression, body aches and pains, so much heaviness I could hardly get out of bed, social anxiety,  fear of what people think of me, afraid to do/say/be the wrong thing? 

I often thought of myself as Julia Robert's character in runaway bride. She morphed into each guy she dated, and when asked questions about herself, like "How do YOU like your eggs?" She was stumped. She was so used to changing what she liked and who she was, based on who she was dating, she didn't even know herself. I understand now, it's a form of self-protection, it's safer to be who that person "wants" me to be (a female version of how they fantasize themselves to be) than to be "ME" and face the fear of rejection, being discarded, not good enough...and *whirl* all the beliefs are re-iterated....

Deep down, I knew I had thoughts about life. Opinions. Ideas. Beliefs. But, it was too dangerous to "go there", much less, to say them out loud. That would just cause tension, and we all know how much I *love* tension. (*WHERE is that sarcasm font!?!)

Years later, when I met Drew, he would often say to me, "You don't have to have the house clean and have dinner ready for me, you know? I can clean the house, and I know how to cook dinner, too..." ((Yes, ladies, *swoon*, he's taken and he's all mine...and Aurora's....and Arleigh's...)) 

That SOUNDS super sweet, but do you know where *MY* mind would go?

 "AAAuughh!! NO!! If you did >THAT< that would mean I'm not doing my job as a wife and would mean I would be value-less to you and you would find something to replace me and it would probably be THAT GIRLTHATISWALKINGBYUSRIGHTNOW!"

That sounds ridiculous NOW, but THAT would've put me in bed, hiding in my room for DAYYYYYSSSSS. 

Those beliefs are crippling. 

They are ABUSIVE, controlling, manipulative thoughts, planted by the enemy to TAKE.ME.OUT. And it worked on many occasions, for YEARS. 

Ok, I have to get to the good stuff, or I'll just start preaching about how abusers get away with this stuff because they start out subtly saying things that make it seem like they are doing this for your own good, and then people like me, eat it up and think, "Awww, they just love me so much!" and then end up in mental anguish and chains at the bottom of a dark cold emotional cellar, convinced they are garbage and have NO voice, NO choice and are stuck with no way out.........and it'll get me all Riled Up. 

*PHEW! I'm glad I didn't get all riled up......*

So, anyway....the GOOD STUFF.

>>ENTER JESUS>>>>>>

Thru the past few years of inner healing, and opening up these wounds that I've protected and tried to keep hidden for so long, I've been able to bring Jesus into these dark thoughts and beliefs and ask Him, "What is the Truth?"

Can I just say, it's VERY scary, to show the CREATOR, GOD who could judge me and find me worthless and see me as dust and dirt, "Look at all this crap, muck and dirt, I'm covered with..." (::cringe::) He's the LAST "person" I would want to see this!

But, ever so Gently, Carefully, Kindly, and yet so Perfectly and POWERFULLY, He came swooping in and showed me True Love. 

Jesus, what do you say to these "truths" I have lived by?

*I am NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You are Fearfully and Wonderfully Made.

*I will NEVER be good enough. You are made in MY image.

*I will never measure up. You are created by Me, I love you. 

*My only value is in what I can do for that person, right when they need it, at their whim. 

*My ONLY purpose is to serve. 

*As long as I'm useful, I'm wanted. 

I created you for ME. If all you did was EXIST, you would have served the purpose I created you for.

*As soon as I am not useful, I'm ....EASILY REPLACEABLE. You know the whole "No two snowflakes are alike"? Yeah, I don't create carbon-copy people, either. You have a particular "skill set", a specific reason I created you.

*My opinions don't matter. I created your brain. If your thoughts don't matter, then that would mean *I* don't matter. Is that true? (Me: No.) 

*My voice does not matter. I created your voice. So, apparently, I think that you, having a voice, matters :)

*Keep quiet = keep the peace. I wasn't always about "Keeping the Peace" when it came to people abusing their position and manipulating people for their own benefit. and I.AM.PEACE. 

*I don't deserve to be valued. You have been bought with the price of MY BLOOD. You are highly valued.

*I don't deserve to be loved. You are Mine. You are loved more than you know. And I will continue to show you True Love.

*I deserve this treatment. I took the pain and punishment of all of your sin, if you don't accept that, then the cross was in vain.

*I deserve a hard life. I came so that you would have LIFE and not just LIFE, but ABUNDANT LIFE in Me!

*No one will ever love me like "this". (THANK GOD.) Let me show you True Love. Never failing, all encompassing, unconditional, Beautiful, never-ending, in highs and lows, in beauty and  pain, in light times and in times of darkness.

*I am worthless. 

*I am value-less. 

*I am garbage.

You are my creation.  I don't make garbage. You are MINE. You are loved by Me. Your worth is incalculable.  Your value is immeasurable.

(And, yes I had to do the Michael Scott version of "incalculable" as I spelled that out.....for all you Office fans)

These Truths would've seemed so faaarrr out there if anyone else had tried to convince me of these. But, God. Ya'know, He's just sooo Powerful and when He says things, LIFE happens and chains are broken and lies are dispelled and the enemy flees because when Light enters the room, Darkness dissipates and TRUTH sets us free. (Yeah, just little, subtle things like that.)

Jesus doesn't HIDE His Truth from us. He doesn't make us WORK to find it. 

There was nothing subtle about Him coming to earth to  conquer death and hell and RISE from the DEAD. 

If He died for us, for ME, then WHY? Ultimately, so I don't have to "go to hell when I die...." But, what about while I'm living on this earth? 

I think He died so that I would not have to roam this earth caught up in lies and death and live in a "hell on earth" while I'm here, but to live in FULLNESS of LIFE in HIM, walking freely, in my purpose and calling, bringing others to realization of the LIFE and TRUTH and FREEDOM we all have in Him. #thatsall 

These Truths He gave me, they're not JUST for me, I find the more I share them, the more they set other people free, too. I bet He has some specific truths, uniquely worded JUST FOR YOU! And I would love to hear how He's told YOU He sees you....CARE TO SHARE?? (as they say nowadays on the interwebs) 

For those of you caught up in abuse of any kind, physical, emotional, mental, spiritual... You have a choice. It can seem scary, but YOUR VOICE MATTERS. And, Jesus died so that you could be Free. He has LIFE and LOVE and FREEDOM for you, and He's super gentle and kind and patient. Peek around the wall you have built to protect yourself and catch a glimpse of Him. He sees you. You're not alone. You are so VALUED and LOVED. Give Him a chance to tell you Himself.  

{*Your Voice Matters sign created by my sister, Bethany, and available in her shop My Colorful Life that you can find on FB and IG}