Abuse

It took me a couple of years to "label" my past relationships as "abusive". 
There wasn't a lot of PHYSICAL abuse, so I actually felt like I was being dramatic by calling it "abusive" - and, I felt like I was downplaying other women's "REAL" Abuse by labelling mine "Abusive".  

In my mind, Abuse always meant active physical harm. But, as I started to let my guard down, two years after one particular relationship was over *>knowing glance<*, it started  dawning on me that I had quite a few beliefs and behaviors that weren't really "ME". and weren't healthy beliefs and thought patterns. 

For instance, I was convinced that I was "sickly". I was "too sick" to go do this or that...hang out with friends, sisters, mom, family, etc.. (Because if I believed I was sick, I wouldn't go OUT, then I wouldn't be with PEOPLE, that would tell me how crazy this treatment was).....TWO MONTHS after being away from that, I remember walking up the stairs at my sister's house, where Aurora and I were living, and the thought hit me, "I'm ...not...sick.... I've been "going" and doing things for *two months* and I haven't been sick.. I'M NOT SICK!"

Control, Manipulation, Mind Games, Fear. It's all horrible and it's all abuse.

   

With physical abuse, the victims can see their scars, the bruises, the bleeding. With mental and emotional abuse, it's so subtle that the victim (me) doesn't even see it's happening. 

I don't remember ever "allowing" the behavior, I just loved that person so much that I wanted them to be happy. As a natural "people pleaser", the issue was magnified by my deep love for this person and wanting to do whatever it took to make them happy. Because, I was told, *THAT* completely depended on me.

"If you have dinner ready as soon as he walks through the door...."

"If the house is spotless....."

"If you are dressed "the the nines!" with make up and hair done..."

"If the children are quietly playing in their room..."

It's solely dependent on ME. 

If *I* create the perfect spa-like house with myself as the perfect swimsuit model greeting him at the door....THEN!! and, MAYBE THEN!!! I can make my man happy and ....he won't...........what?? Yell?...be abusive to my child?...throw things?...turn to porn....and other addictive behaviors??? I mean, what is my goal here?? Oh yes, make him happy WHATEVER IT TAKES. So....................Hmmm, yeah.... THAT'S healthy AND IT WORKED!!! 

*There needs to be a "sarcasm" font, I've been saying this for years. Get  ON it, font-people!*

And, in the end, what is my reward? What is the prize I'm working toward? 

****PEACE****. #everheardofit?!

But, that's NOT what I got and instead, what WAS re-iterated to my already weak view of myself was:

*I am NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

*I will NEVER be good enough.

*I will never measure up.

*My only value is in what I can do for that person, right when they need it, at their whim.

*My ONLY purpose is to serve.

*As long as I'm usefull, I'm wanted.

*As soon as I am not useful, I'm ....EASILY REPLACEABLE.

*My opinions don't matter.

*My voice (opinions/thoughts) does not matter.

*Keep quiet = keep the peace.

*I don't deserve to be valued.

*I don't deserve to be loved.

*I deserve this treatment.

*I deserve a hard life.

*No one will ever love me like "this". (THANK GOD.) 

*I am worthless.

*I am value-less.

*I am garbage.

Whooooooaaaaaaaa. 

Whoa.

It's been a while since I re-lived those beliefs. Seeing them all in one page - such small words, such HUGE impact. 

To think that I LIVED my LIFE based on these beliefs about ME and the world around me, (including GOD).... Is it any wonder that I suffered with depression, body aches and pains, so much heaviness I could hardly get out of bed, social anxiety,  fear of what people think of me, afraid to do/say/be the wrong thing? 

I often thought of myself as Julia Robert's character in runaway bride. She morphed into each guy she dated, and when asked questions about herself, like "How do YOU like your eggs?" She was stumped. She was so used to changing what she liked and who she was, based on who she was dating, she didn't even know herself. I understand now, it's a form of self-protection, it's safer to be who that person "wants" me to be (a female version of how they fantasize themselves to be) than to be "ME" and face the fear of rejection, being discarded, not good enough...and *whirl* all the beliefs are re-iterated....

Deep down, I knew I had thoughts about life. Opinions. Ideas. Beliefs. But, it was too dangerous to "go there", much less, to say them out loud. That would just cause tension, and we all know how much I *love* tension. (*WHERE is that sarcasm font!?!)

Years later, when I met Drew, he would often say to me, "You don't have to have the house clean and have dinner ready for me, you know? I can clean the house, and I know how to cook dinner, too..." ((Yes, ladies, *swoon*, he's taken and he's all mine...and Aurora's....and Arleigh's...)) 

That SOUNDS super sweet, but do you know where *MY* mind would go?

 "AAAuughh!! NO!! If you did >THAT< that would mean I'm not doing my job as a wife and would mean I would be value-less to you and you would find something to replace me and it would probably be THAT GIRLTHATISWALKINGBYUSRIGHTNOW!"

That sounds ridiculous NOW, but THAT would've put me in bed, hiding in my room for DAYYYYYSSSSS. 

Those beliefs are crippling. 

They are ABUSIVE, controlling, manipulative thoughts, planted by the enemy to TAKE.ME.OUT. And it worked on many occasions, for YEARS. 

Ok, I have to get to the good stuff, or I'll just start preaching about how abusers get away with this stuff because they start out subtly saying things that make it seem like they are doing this for your own good, and then people like me, eat it up and think, "Awww, they just love me so much!" and then end up in mental anguish and chains at the bottom of a dark cold emotional cellar, convinced they are garbage and have NO voice, NO choice and are stuck with no way out.........and it'll get me all Riled Up. 

*PHEW! I'm glad I didn't get all riled up......*

So, anyway....the GOOD STUFF.

>>ENTER JESUS>>>>>>

Thru the past few years of inner healing, and opening up these wounds that I've protected and tried to keep hidden for so long, I've been able to bring Jesus into these dark thoughts and beliefs and ask Him, "What is the Truth?"

Can I just say, it's VERY scary, to show the CREATOR, GOD who could judge me and find me worthless and see me as dust and dirt, "Look at all this crap, muck and dirt, I'm covered with..." (::cringe::) He's the LAST "person" I would want to see this!

But, ever so Gently, Carefully, Kindly, and yet so Perfectly and POWERFULLY, He came swooping in and showed me True Love. 

Jesus, what do you say to these "truths" I have lived by?

*I am NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You are Fearfully and Wonderfully Made.

*I will NEVER be good enough. You are made in MY image.

*I will never measure up. You are created by Me, I love you. 

*My only value is in what I can do for that person, right when they need it, at their whim. 

*My ONLY purpose is to serve. 

*As long as I'm useful, I'm wanted. 

I created you for ME. If all you did was EXIST, you would have served the purpose I created you for.

*As soon as I am not useful, I'm ....EASILY REPLACEABLE. You know the whole "No two snowflakes are alike"? Yeah, I don't create carbon-copy people, either. You have a particular "skill set", a specific reason I created you.

*My opinions don't matter. I created your brain. If your thoughts don't matter, then that would mean *I* don't matter. Is that true? (Me: No.) 

*My voice does not matter. I created your voice. So, apparently, I think that you, having a voice, matters :)

*Keep quiet = keep the peace. I wasn't always about "Keeping the Peace" when it came to people abusing their position and manipulating people for their own benefit. and I.AM.PEACE. 

*I don't deserve to be valued. You have been bought with the price of MY BLOOD. You are highly valued.

*I don't deserve to be loved. You are Mine. You are loved more than you know. And I will continue to show you True Love.

*I deserve this treatment. I took the pain and punishment of all of your sin, if you don't accept that, then the cross was in vain.

*I deserve a hard life. I came so that you would have LIFE and not just LIFE, but ABUNDANT LIFE in Me!

*No one will ever love me like "this". (THANK GOD.) Let me show you True Love. Never failing, all encompassing, unconditional, Beautiful, never-ending, in highs and lows, in beauty and  pain, in light times and in times of darkness.

*I am worthless. 

*I am value-less. 

*I am garbage.

You are my creation.  I don't make garbage. You are MINE. You are loved by Me. Your worth is incalculable.  Your value is immeasurable.

(And, yes I had to do the Michael Scott version of "incalculable" as I spelled that out.....for all you Office fans)

These Truths would've seemed so faaarrr out there if anyone else had tried to convince me of these. But, God. Ya'know, He's just sooo Powerful and when He says things, LIFE happens and chains are broken and lies are dispelled and the enemy flees because when Light enters the room, Darkness dissipates and TRUTH sets us free. (Yeah, just little, subtle things like that.)

Jesus doesn't HIDE His Truth from us. He doesn't make us WORK to find it. 

There was nothing subtle about Him coming to earth to  conquer death and hell and RISE from the DEAD. 

If He died for us, for ME, then WHY? Ultimately, so I don't have to "go to hell when I die...." But, what about while I'm living on this earth? 

I think He died so that I would not have to roam this earth caught up in lies and death and live in a "hell on earth" while I'm here, but to live in FULLNESS of LIFE in HIM, walking freely, in my purpose and calling, bringing others to realization of the LIFE and TRUTH and FREEDOM we all have in Him. #thatsall 

These Truths He gave me, they're not JUST for me, I find the more I share them, the more they set other people free, too. I bet He has some specific truths, uniquely worded JUST FOR YOU! And I would love to hear how He's told YOU He sees you....CARE TO SHARE?? (as they say nowadays on the interwebs) 

For those of you caught up in abuse of any kind, physical, emotional, mental, spiritual... You have a choice. It can seem scary, but YOUR VOICE MATTERS. And, Jesus died so that you could be Free. He has LIFE and LOVE and FREEDOM for you, and He's super gentle and kind and patient. Peek around the wall you have built to protect yourself and catch a glimpse of Him. He sees you. You're not alone. You are so VALUED and LOVED. Give Him a chance to tell you Himself.  

{*Your Voice Matters sign created by my sister, Bethany, and available in her shop My Colorful Life that you can find on FB and IG}

Lies

Ugh, Lies. They're a real Kill-Joy. Literally. 

I don't even know when it started. 

I don't really know when lying became a way of life for me. I just know it started with something pretty small, probably, because lies don't start out huge and life-altering. They're just small, little "white" lies, that are accompanied by a belief similar to:

* "It doesn't REALLY matter if you don't include that major detail, lead them to believe what they want to believe and everyone will be happy and be at peace..." *

And then the lies grow, little by little, until they totally consume and cripple it's victim, sucking the life and joy out of the "liar", and turns them inside out, living in constant fear of being caught.

But, a liar isn't JUST a liar. In my own personal experience, I lied because I was a die-hard people-pleaser. I never had any intention of keeping information from people to hurt them, I fully intended that every "partial truth" would benefit the person I was talking to, because it would somehow make them feel better about themselves, me or our relationship. 

So, you see, I was actually CREATING PEACE instead of the SURE conflict and tension that was to come from me telling the truth (which would reveal that I was less than perfect) and making sure that everything went smoooooooothly. If conflict was so crippling and devastating that I would rather DIE than sit in any tension, then the only "logical" thing to do was to tell people what I thought they wanted to hear. So, problem solved, crisis averted....blog post done.

Actually, no, none of those things. 

Lying brings death. 

We all know this from the beginning of time - Genesis, Adam and Eve, the serpent, the garden, that daaarn apple, the whole thing... And from that, I learned to never eat an apple from a forbidden tree, when offered to me by a snake. Hey, it worked! I can honestly say, I've never done that exact thing. Lesson learned!  Moving on.

However, on a very much, more "Real" level, the serpent, the enemy, the one that is out to seek, kill and destroy us... He's a really smart, sneaky, patient, Killer. By convincing me of a seemingly "true" point, like "Don't tell them that, that'll just make THEM mad, it'll get YOU in trouble and cause tension, just keep the Peace! (Be Like Jesus)"  - he started forming these beliefs in my head that led me to justify my actions and lies. 

In the spirit of honesty, I'll share some very real lies that I believed and lived by - somehow convinced they were true:

*Jesus only loves me when I'm good, therefore, always "BE" good - do the right things, say the right things, dress the right way,  - and hide the parts that AREN'T GOOD. (no one needs to see or know about those, it would only cause tension and punishment, why would I bring that on myself?)

*People only like me when I can serve a purpose to them. Do what makes everyone happy, avoid tension, and you will be happy! 

(P.S. It's REALLY EASY to make EVERYBODY happy ALL THE TIME, it has a 100% success rate of never working)

*As long as everyone hears what they want to hear, I can do whatever I want and be happy.

*Men are only interested in one thing. As long as I believed lie #2, and I could serve a "purpose", I would be "accepted", "loved", "never alone"...

The thing about these lies is that 1) they built quite a wall around me that I could never let down because there were soo many lies, I was drowning in which lie I had told whom, what the timeline was of that lie and who knew the truth, vs. who didn't and the constant fear of "If the wrong people found out the wrong thing..." And, 2) That wall kept out Truth and Love and Peace and Joy.  *simply*

*That wall kept ME secluded with the enemy, and secluded FROM God (and my precious family)*

It was incredibly lonely and Fear-based and panic-stricken and depressing.

Those lies, that I had believed would bring me peace and satisfaction, and would let me "be myself", were keeping me from my TRUE identity, and from True Peace. 

It turns out, also, that as I was dishing out those lies, the enemy was pouring in more and more lies, and was using these lies against me, taking different situations in my life as evidence that these Lies were actually True.

For instance, when I would give a guy "what he wanted" and yet he cheated on me and left me - "See?! It's true! Guys only want one thing, they're not to be trusted!" (Build that wall up higher, don't let ANYONE in! Trust NO one!")

Or, when I sensed disappointment from someone: "Yeah, you definitely can't trust them to know the TRUTH about you! They'd never forgive you and what's worse..they wouldn't LIKE YOU anymore" *Gasp!*

So as those lies, like heavy bricks, were being built around me, my view of the world was changing. Suddenly, GOD was the judgemental, unforgiving, damning, punishing, hateful Great Authority Figure that would never forgive me, never take me back in, never let me forget and would make me pay for the rest of my life, if He ever knew the real me! 
(Because, you can DEFINITELY HIDE from God, especially if you're wearing the right, modest skirt and singing in church on Sunday!)

And, I was left isolated. Because no one, not even GOD was trustworthy. And my world began to cave in around me. 

I had one tiny breathing hole in my brick cave. 
My family. They still hadn't disowned me. They still let me be around, they still wanted to talk to me. It was confusing, really. "WHY? Why do they even want me around?!"

And then, one day, completely suffocating in my life of lies, I got pregnant. 

*Boom* *Crash* *Bang* Life was over. 

My immediate thought was, "Well, I guess I'll move to Europe and disappear for 9 months until I come back with a.... baby??"... I mean, that's how far the lies had taken me. I was so sure that my family would completely disown me, cut me off, blacklist me, that my only option would be to run away.

All the lying had caught up to me and I was found out. There was no hiding this. I thought I would DIE from the pressure that was exploding in my chest. My life was over. And there was absolutely nowhere to go, nowhere to hide and no one to blame. 

I can't even describe what happened next. 

First, because I can't see the keyboard thru my tears. Remembering how my family rallied around me, showed me incredible Grace and forgiveness in a way I had NEVER known possible. And Second, I feel like I can't do justice to the FEELING, the EMOTION that happened in that one weekend. 

My parents came in, so gracefully, not lecturing, not yelling and saying how much I had hurt and devastated them...No. As I sat in the Dr's office with my parents and a couple of my sisters, in tears, they gathered around me and....PRAYED. 

{ Seriously, I just had to pause for a bit to let some emotion out, because, you guys, the GRACE. The LOVE. In the darkest, worst time of my life and, possibly, theirs, to that point... They displayed God's heart, it was like being in Heaven, surrounded by an army of Light and Love and Acceptance. It was the Presence of God right there in that room.}

That weekend was a Free-ing weekend for me, as I sat, surrounded by my family (one of my sisters even flew in from out of town to be there) and one by one, the lies started coming out and Truth started breaking thru and tears and forgiveness were flowing. 

You know what's interesting about lies? Especially lies from the enemy... They're really close to the truth, even having some truth in them. So, sometimes, it's easy to think that a lie is the opposite of the truth, but that's not necessarily always true. 

For instance, God. 

Yeah. God IS judgemental, damning, punishing, when it comes TO SATAN and the way he tries to destroy the God's children! He's not  judgemental, unforgiving, damning, punishing, to ME! 

Oh, I know we all "deserve hell", But that's just part A that leads to part B that equals Part C! - (* Ok, obviously, I'm not a Math whiz. But, bear with me.*) -

God's heart for me is relationship with Him. Knowing the way the enemy would work to destroy me and my desire to know God, by feeding me lies, that resulted in me living in sin and death, He sent Jesus to defeat the enemy once and for all, which would Redeem and Restore my relationship with Him! (A-->B=C)  

Now, THAT is some kind of  Power! 

And, goodness, God must REALLY want to be in relationship with me, eh?

Let me add this about the lying. Yes, there were consequences to me lying. Consequences to my actions. 

Among many others, Believing the lie that "the only thing I'm good for, the only way to gain acceptance and love is to sleep with someone" - yeah, that led to pregnancy, eventually.

But, God didn't punish me for sleeping with someone. NO, the enemy had me bound up so tightly in those lies, that getting pregnant was actually the thing that God used to bring me freedom. When my "worst case scenario" happened and instead of all the fears the enemy had instilled in me, I received Grace and Acceptance and Love from those around me, that brought Freedom to my heart. It unravelled the chains around me that had me bound up in all those lies.

In fact, the "Consequence" of my actions, ended up being the VERY THING that God used to bring me to Him, To REDEEM my life, To fulfill Promises, To give me Purpose and Life... and JOY and Peace and determination and desire to find out more about this Loving and forgiving and patient and KIND and healing God. 

Because of Aurora, that tiny little heartbeat of Life inside me, I knew I had to fight. 

Fight to LIVE. Fight the lies, fight for truth.

I have often said I'm not a fighter, but I guess when it comes to fighting the enemy, I'm a pretty strong "Princess Warrior" kind-of fighter :) 

And, maybe it's because I know how devastating and suffocating and destructive those lies were to me. And, I refuse to let the enemy have any hold on my heart with any lie (or daaaarn apple) it tries to get me to bite into. 

That's actually why I continue my inner healing sessions - because the enemy is sneaky, and sometimes there are lies I didn't even know were lies, that are still implanted in my heart that God so gently removes and replaces with His Truth. Every time, removing me from bondage and bringing me into beautiful Gardens of Freedom, where I experience Acceptance and Love and Grace and Truth and Peace. 

Ahhhhh! Truth is so much sweeter and Free-ing-er. *It's totally a word*... and lighter. and WAY more Peaceful. And can we all just decide to live in that from now on and never believe another lie from the enemy again?! Mmmmkay, yeah, that'd be great. 

Psalm 40:2 - He brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock and established my goings.