This week, in my inner healing session, I was frustrated. Annoyed. On the edge of Angry. "Why am I STILL dealing with this SAME issue that I've "dealt" with sooo.many..times..?!?! It's just ME. No one else has this problem! If I could just keep it pushed so far down that I never saw it, dealt with it, never had to remember it was there, things would be sooo much easier...BETTER... Why am I having such a hard time with this?!"
Full disclosure? I didn't come into this session READY and WANTING to deal with it, I came in wanting to bury it. I just wanted Jesus to come in and be like, "Poof! Now it's goooone! And you nevvvverrrrr have to deal with it agaaaaaain!"
*(Kind of like a game show host, but one that takes things AWAY, rather than GIVING you things)*
But Jesus is so good. So kind, So gracious. Because He loves me so much and doesn't want me to live with this dead and gross mindset. He wants #ALLLLLTheFreedom for me. He really wants me to live an abundant, FULL life,
He showed me this:
A little breathing area for me.
Could I put this issue in His hands and let HIM be the one that helps me deal with it when I'm ready? Could I stop panicking every time this issue came up, wondering, "How I am going to deal with it, right now, in this moment!?" Could I stop looking internally for an answer and look to HIM, THE ANSWER?
Hmmm....it took about "point 2 seconds" for me to throw the issue into His hands and collapse at His feet.
Then, He told me this. "THIS, is a Promise. This weight, this heaviness, this broken-ness... it's a Promise."
"What?! WHYYY?? A Promise?!"
And He reminded me of this:
I had just been to a Beth Moore conference where she spoke on Proverbs 3:5, 6. "The Desires of Our Hearts". I sat and soaked it all in. I was a divorced, single mom, barely surviving. Thankfully, I had awesome parents and family support that let me take as much time as I needed to recover and get back on my feet. I was living with my parents, with no motivation to HAVE a life, except for Aurora. I had to be out of bed for HER. I had to get her to school. I had to feed her. She was the only reason I did anything other than stay in bed, during that time. So, the concept of even HAVING "Desires" or "dreams" was almost foreign. As I sat and listened to Beth Moore say that Jesus GAVE you these desires in your heart, so that He can one day, GIVE you your hearts' desires, It hit me that I was acting like my life was over. The running thought in my head was "If I could just survive until Aurora got out from under my care, then I could be "done" my purpose here on earth." It didn't seem dark or heavy, it just seemed like a fact.
The next day, after the conference: Sunday morning, I was sitting in church, all of these thoughts still marinating. It was near the end of the service and I saw a young man with a newborn baby, come in and sit by his wife and I. ab.so.lute.ly.lost.it.
I ran out as fast as I could without being noticed or making it obvious that I was about to explode. I got in my car, tears streaming hot, down my face. I drove to my rock...the one Jesus and I frequented... and I sobbed my heart out to Him. I said,"I know I don't deserve the desires of my heart! I have screwed up, messed up and totally destroyed the life you gave me. I'm a mess. I don't deserve your love or favor...so WHY have you given me the desire to be a wife and mother when you CLEARLY aren't going to fulfill them? Are you going to let me live my whole life with this heaviness, the realization that I messed up so I will never get my heart's desire? Why would you give me the desire if you don't intend to GIVE me my heart's desire? Please just take the desire away from me!"
In that moment, the clouds cleared just enough for me to feel a strong ray of SUN, completely warming my shivering, hunched-over body, and I felt the words, "May the Lord cause His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you".
In that moment, time stood still as Jesus showed me a picture of *The Promise* he had waiting for me:
The next day, after the conference: Sunday morning, I was sitting in church, all of these thoughts still marinating. It was near the end of the service and I saw a young man with a newborn baby, come in and sit by his wife and I. ab.so.lute.ly.lost.it.
I ran out as fast as I could without being noticed or making it obvious that I was about to explode. I got in my car, tears streaming hot, down my face. I drove to my rock...the one Jesus and I frequented... and I sobbed my heart out to Him. I said,"I know I don't deserve the desires of my heart! I have screwed up, messed up and totally destroyed the life you gave me. I'm a mess. I don't deserve your love or favor...so WHY have you given me the desire to be a wife and mother when you CLEARLY aren't going to fulfill them? Are you going to let me live my whole life with this heaviness, the realization that I messed up so I will never get my heart's desire? Why would you give me the desire if you don't intend to GIVE me my heart's desire? Please just take the desire away from me!"
In that moment, the clouds cleared just enough for me to feel a strong ray of SUN, completely warming my shivering, hunched-over body, and I felt the words, "May the Lord cause His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you".
In that moment, time stood still as Jesus showed me a picture of *The Promise* he had waiting for me:
A TALL man, with an Athletic-build, holding a little baby, with Aurora standing beside him. All three were surrounded by light. (At this time, not only had I NOT met Drew, I also KNEW that I did NOT KNOW ANY ONE who fit this description)
Hope came into my heart that day.
The Promise of My Desire Fulfilled.
The Promise that He had not abandoned me; that I was NOT unworthy of His love; that He KNEW me; He knew my heart and He already had the perfect person waiting for me....and, one day....a little baby.
A (seemingly eternally long) year later, I met Drew. Within a few months, Jesus reminded me of that picture and I realized that Drew was My Promise, fulfilled.
And a couple years later, We had a darling little chubby baby, whose name is Arleigh, which in Hebrew, means: PROMISE.
A (seemingly eternally long) year later, I met Drew. Within a few months, Jesus reminded me of that picture and I realized that Drew was My Promise, fulfilled.
And a couple years later, We had a darling little chubby baby, whose name is Arleigh, which in Hebrew, means: PROMISE.
Jesus reminded me of several other times that He made promises to me. One after the next, physical healing, emotional healing, healing in others, life problems, circumstances changed. And one after another, each promise came with a fulfillment date.
This week, He showed me that this issue that I'm dealing with now, is just another *Promise* that He is going to fulfill, bring healing to, walk with me, not leave me alone to suffer in the muck, but sit with me at a resting point, by a sweet river while He gently walks me through the healing process.
*Tears* :::Breathe::: {Rest}
Yeah, I can do that.
I'm not in an abusive relationship anymore - Promise Fulfilled
I'm not the desperate, hopeless single mom I once was - Promise Fulfilled
I'm not un-usable, worthless, value-less - Promise Fulfilled
I'm not "no longer necessary in this world" - Promise Fulfilled
(Sorry for the grammar structure here, but for the sake of growing up in a Preacher's home and needing every sentence to start the same, I went with it....)
I'm not Forgotten by Jesus, Abandoned by God, Completely Alone - Promise Fulfilled
My children have an incredible earthly father - Promise Fulfilled
And on and on and on it goes.
It's amazing once I start writing these down, how quickly all these promises and their fulfilments flood my memory bank. I could write a blog post JUST full of these.
Why do I doubt? Why do I WONDER for a SECOND if God is going to leave me alone in my misery to deal with the muck and mud that I'm trudging through?! And yet, I do, almost constantly.
No condemnation or guilt --- I'm just 1 part human, 1 part enemy influence and 1 part....well, let's face it....AWESOME.
I walked away from my session with HOPE. He gave me a Promise, He plans to fulfill...AGAIN. And AGAIN, leaves me in amazement that He cares SO much about such a small, earthly, human, emotional problem that I have.
Do you have a problem that seems hopeless? There is Hope.
Do you have a Promise He's fulfilled? TELL.ME.ABOUT.IT. (No, but for real, seriously, I want to hear it!)
Do you need a "Promise"? He's got one, {An ENDLESS supply actually}, for you.
And He always, always fulfills His Promises.
Joshua 23:14 - "You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed."
My sister took this picture for me, after Arleigh was born. Being able to have this picture "on paper", in the "physical world", that so accurately portrays the picture that Jesus gave me years ago, in a Heavenly way, is like having a tangible piece of God's heart for me. It is priceless. And I can't wait to see what else He has in store for me.
{{For more of these amazing Heavenly Images, go check them out at: https://www.facebook.com/Heavenly-Images-622606744497899/?fref=photo }}
Also, this, because it's just sooo..............Mhmmmm... yeah....... that.
