~SLEEP~

I know I'm not the only one. I know my situation is not special. I get it.

I'm not hoping for sympathy or to voice my complaint, really I'm not.

In the middle of the night when my two year old is screaming out, and I *MEAN* SCREAMING, just as a means of communication, and it's been the fourth time in a row that I've JUST drifted off to sleep when she shrieks out, I'm <<soooo beyond frustration and anger, >> I'm all the way to humor.>>

I find, the worse things are, the funnier they seem to me. I literally will be working through a way to put what's going on, into a facebook status or a funny message to my Mom and/or sisters. Cracking up, while I try to fall back to sleep before I get jolted again by a blood-curdling scream because she would like to be tucked back in "Nice and Cozy!!!"

I'm waaay funnier to myself, in my head, though. Mostly because some of the funny stuff has inappropriate words that I can't share, and  because I know it's my way of coping with utter and torturous sleep deprivation.

I've ALWAYS been a sleep-lover. For many different reasons, sickness, depression, etc. In fact, when my family took three months to travel across the United States one summer, moving from Niagara Falls, Canada to Salem, OR, I slept for ALMOST the entire ride. My dad would try to get us all to look out the window at God's amazing creation, the scenery was unlike anything we had ever seen! And, I would begrudgingly lift my head up and say, "nice. dad." and go back to sleep. I mean, THAT'S how much I LOVED sleep.

What I've learned is that sleep is not bad (ooobviously) But, for me, I really did use sleep as a coping mechanism, to escape life, conflict, tension, seemingly insurmountable responsibilities.  When things got too heavy, too hard, to confusing, I went to bed. I LOOOVE my bed. It's not just a place to sleep, it's a place to escape, to be alone, to hide.

So, yeah, you could say things got pretty serious between us.

I didn't always know this, I just thought I really needed all that sleep. As I've been going thru inner healing processes and finding these things out about myself, Jesus has been so gracious to show me my why's and what's about "a silly little thing" called sleep. When I face a conflict and I talk to Jesus about it and really open my heart to hear how HE wants ME to be healed in this situation and not just "HOW ARE YOU GONNA FIX ALL THIS, LORD?!?!" I find, that 1) I'm not as sleepy anymore 2) I feel more ALIVE 3) When I DO go to sleep, I have waaaay more peace and I can actually sleep soundly, instead of tossing and turning with all the "impossible" situations and scenarios going through my head.

That is, of course, until the little screamer gently awakes me with, "MORRRRE MILK!!!!!" Or, "UP iiiiiii GOOOO!!"

(One of her first words/phrases she ever said- "Up I Go" - when she wants to get up)

So when I know that my sleep deprivation is not because of inner turmoil and it's actually just like a weird joke that babyhood/parenthood is playing on me, then I have jokes about how much I love being a zombie-mommy and how having this child who despises sleep makes it difficult for me to be the type of mother I always envisioned myself being.

That being said, I am beyond amazed at the many that survived this thing, including my mom, who had SEVEN kids, and my siblings with kids, (my brother and his wife, who have NINE!) and other crazy parents... WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS PART?!?!

And, why  didn't MY MOM respond to me the way I want to respond to MY kids. Just this morning, after screaming me awake 8 times last night, my AST (adult-sized-toddler) greeted me with the sweetest, high-pitched, loving, "Good Morning Mom!" and then this happened:

Me: No, Arleigh, it's not a good morning. I'm a little grumpy because you were up screaming all thru the night!
Arleigh: oh! Grumpy, mom?
Me: yes... *grunt*
Arleigh: *pause* *whispers*............ good morning mom! (with the sweetest smile)

So, yeah, I'm not always the "perfect responder" when I'm tired, but I DO thoroughly enjoy the irony of this. I've never been more tired, more upset, more frustrated....and I've never been more aware of the Promise that Jesus gave me years ago that I *WOULD* have another baby and that He had a perfect plan for where, when, who, etc.

Also, I think I've figured out why parents don't tell their kids how hard parenting is, well, several reasons actually:

1) They're probably better parents than I am.

2) They want to trick their kids into thinking it's awesome, so that *BANG* their kids are in the middle of parenting and don't know what hit 'em!

3) They want grandchildren so they can enjoy the kid-thing from a distance, as they watch it dawn on their children just how much respect their parents deserve!

4) They look forward to a little payback, a right-of-passage, if you will, into adulthood.

Well, guess what?! The joke's on them, because:

1) They get the middle-of-the-night phone calls from their crying children that they don't know how to do this, and they have to comfort them,

2) OR they can't sleep at night worrying about their kids and grandchildren and the choices their making, when they raised them differently,

3) They get to watch their kids raise their grandchildren in a totally unconventional, "That's not what I would do" way.

4) And, the kicker: Just because *I'm* a parent doesn't mean I'm going to "adult" all the time.

Here's to the moms, the dads, the caretakers, who have figured out how to survive on minimal spurts of sleep, coffee, and sarcasm.

You're my people now. We need each other.

And, mostly, I need YOU, to read my middle-of-the-night statuses and relate with a little smirk or eye-roll, as you get up to check on your baby, and flop back into bed, can't get back to sleep, pick up your phone to mindlessly scroll, happen upon my sarcastic status and know you're not alone, either.

We're all champs.

Exhausted, dishevelled, 3-day-old-eye-makeup Champs.

One-more-layer-of-deodorant-should-tide-me-over-for-one-more-day-and-one-less-shower CHAMPS.

Let's band together, from afar, in our own homes, without having to get dressed or do our hair,  because honestly, who needs the pressure of being "presentable" at a time like this.

Maybe we'll all be slobbering in a nursing home someday, yelling at our kids, pretending we can't hear them, but when they leave, put the music blaring, dancing around, celebrating that we FINALLY have some uninterrupted time to ourselves!