Identity

Hi, my name is Joy and I'm a ..... a.... Uhmm... Can you re-phrase the question? What do I ...identify.... with? What is my... identity? *Shrug*

For a long time, I could finish that with "...whoever/whatever you need me to be in this moment..."

Much like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, I was really good at being who the person I was with, needed me to be. That kind of went hand-in-hand with being run by Fear. For fear of rejection, I would BE, DO, ACT, Become who I thought was going to be the most accepted by whomever I was around. That kept things peaceful... externally...for a while. 
Internally, It was chaotic, a mess, a disaster. I remember hearing the song "Beautiful Disaster" and thinking..."Hey, that's ME! ...Except for the beautiful part...." 

Now, let's back up, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

My first name is Sara.

*Gasp*

Everyone Caaalllm Dowwwnn.

I know, I know, it feels like you don't even know me now. Let me explain.

My parents named me Sara Joy, knowing that they were going to call me by my middle name. #itsalongstory #askmymom

So, I've always gone by "Joy", which worked out well, since there were about 5 "Sara's" in our school, and helped differentiate ME from all the other Sara(h)'s I'd end up knowing throughout my life. So, it was pretty early on when I heard, for the first of a gazillion times, "Oh, JOY? Well, it's a JOY to meet you!" or "Do you have the joy joy joy joy down in your heart? or "Joy to the world??" etc. I really didn't/don't mind, but, at some point I started feeling this very strong disassociation with my name. Which is kind of like a crisis of identity, I would say. 

In fact, (*Mom and Dad plug your ears*) for a while, as an adult, while I was at work, or meeting someone new, outside my normal surroundings, I'd introduce myself as "Sara", which seemed equally as disconnected, but more inconspicuous. I FELT like when people heard my name was  "Joy", there was a level of expectation that came along with that name. Like, I should be FULL of happiness, Joy, Laughter, good times, positive, only-ever thinking/feeling good thoughts...just a perpetual ray of sunshine, kind of expectation. It was waaayy easier to hide behind a common name like "Sara" than to have the fanfare that went with the name JOY <echo>: ((joy)) ((joy)) ((joy))

Anyway, that's how I saw it. 

The hardest part was knowing that inside I felt as dark as the ham I just burnt for New Year's Eve. 

No, but seriously.

Depression would come like a tsunami and I would be shut down and in bed for days and weeks...which turned into months, and I felt hopeless.

Depression and Anxiety - ugh, just a lethal combination, ya'know?? 

But, that's how I'm finding the enemy really works, it's not just ONE THING, it's that one thing that has a hundred little things attached to it, that you (I) don't even see coming, and then I'm blind-sided because: "I DIDN'T AGREE TO ALL OF THIS!" 

Here's how it works for me:

I get really hurt/disappointed by someone/something > the enemy whispers, "That person is awful! Unforgivable! You should never let them treat you that way!"> Me: heartily agrees> "In fact, you should NEVER LET ANYONE hurt you EVER AGAIN!"> Me: Agrees again>"The only way to do that is to not trust anyone!" >Yup, yup, you're right! > "No one understands you, no one really gets you, it's not even worth talking about to anyone they'd never understand!" > Me: *slowly pulls covers over head and begins hermit hibernation period* > Unforgiveness opens the door and lets Anger, Jealousy, Resentment, Bitterness and Rage in> They each bring a friend (fear, panic, anxiety, depression)> Enemy wins, I snooze. #seewhatididthere??

So, yeah that worked for a really long time.. 

Until I was posed with this question: "How's that workin' for ya??" and I got to take a look at it and had to honestly answer: "Nope. Not good."

But it was not until that moment, and it was BECAUSE of that moment of honesty, that Darkness, who thought they had won with me, started getting fidgety. Darkness knows that when the tiniest bit of Light enters, Darkness cannot stay. 

It disappears, it dissipates. 

And, in that moment (and hundreds more since then) of admitting that I was not OK, Darkness started losing it's grip on me. And the Light became stronger and more powerful and brighter. And suddenly, I started seeing things more clearly, in the Light and Truth of His Presence. I started seeing how the enemy had twisted and turned me around so tightly, that I was actually COMFORTABLE with the way the chains fit. 

I had made a bed in the Lies and garbage they had handed me. I made a pillow out of self-pity; a heavy, dark cloak of "Not Good Enough" was my comforter. 

As long as I believed that about myself, that I was NOT GOOD ENOUGH, NEVER WOULD BE good enough - then I would believe I was Insignificant, not Valuable, Worthless, which would make me believe that I had no reason for even being on this earth. No purpose, nothing to offer anyone -  which would keep me holed-up in bed, isolated. 

***Wait, whaaat?! How did I get here?!*** 

Many times, I've come back to this vicious cycle and realized that yet again, in some other way, the enemy used something or someone to trick me into following this trainwreck of a thought process. And before I knew it, I was emotionally, mentally, and spiritually paralyzed. 

The thought had never crossed my mind to "Ask the Lord about it", or to "Take it to the Lord" (whatever that meant at the time) because, well, gosh, if He KNEW what was REALLY going on inside my heart - uhhhm, no. Nope. Not gonna happen. 

But, to be honest, another side of it was this: Why SHOULD I "take it to Him"? Where has HE been in all this process? I don't see a "mighty hand" rescuing me from getting hurt, teleporting me into an amazing new situation *Insert Oprah voice: "*YOU* get a new life! AND *YOU* GET A NEW LIFE!! AND *YOU* GET A NEW LIFE!!!"*

But, for real. Where the heck had HE been?! And since I'm not supposed to "question God". then I just lived with a heavy case of the Grudge against Him. 

I know! *gasp*, again... Blasphemous!

And then, the craziest, most amazing, most supernatural "spiritual" thing I've ever experienced happened. Light entered my heart. LIGHT. Like, in both senses of the word The LIGHT and a "lightness". Suddenly, it didn't feel heavy and dark. The Presence of Almighty God entered. And I sat in silence, in shock, stunned. 

"So, THIS is You? Like,the REAL YOU?? Not the "Wizard of Oz, smokescreen-god" I had made up in my head??

And, you're NOT mad at me? You're not disgusted with me? You're not here to punish me for every wrong move I've made?!" 

I remember it like it was this very moment. He was...IS ...LOVE. SO MUCH LOVE. Unexplainable. Indescribable. LOVE.

And, I CRIED. I mean, sobbing, blubbering, snot, ugly cry, I-thought-my-eyes-were-going-to-come-out-of-my-head, cry. 

But, at the same time, I felt warm. I felt comforted. I felt accepted. Ahh, Truth, it really does Set Us Free. 

"Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone." Ugh, I wish I had written that song. That's exactly what happened to ME! I felt weight after weight, chain after chain, death cloths that I had been wrapped in, blindfolds and hooded capes....I felt them evaporate. And He hadn't even said anything yet. 

Just His Presence, and Darkness was reminded that HE.WINS.EVERY.TIME.

There is no fury like when His Love comes to the Rescue. 

My thoughts RACED: 

"He really IS Jealous for me. He IS Stronger. He is ALMIGHTY. And, He cares THAT much about me. ME! ME?! Why??"

 I knew who I was, what I'd done, what I had believed, how I chose to believe Satan over Him...and yet, He was choosing ME.

In fact, He *CHOSE* ME. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that He came to earth, endured life and death, CONQUERED Death and Hell, DEFEATED Satan... for ME. I mean, for the WORLD? Yeah! Duh! There's a scripture and a song about it! But, ME?? WHY???

His words, engraved on my heart, were as clear as glass:

"You are my creation. I created YOU with a special purpose in mind. {Purpose? I have a purpose?!} From before you were born, I formed you, I named you JOY. I sent you into this particular family at this particular time for a particular purpose. I have a WHOLE LIFE planned for you. A 'golden city' that is yours for the taking, if you want it. Because you are JOY. Daughter of the Almighty King. You are precious to me. You are my friend. "

FRIEND?! *head spinning* Not JUST a great Big Judge that is waiting to hit me over the head everytime I mess up? A Friend, like, you mean, someone who wants to hang out with me? Someone who wants to hear my heart, even if it's ugly? 

Are you getting why and how my world shifted? My entire view of God *poof* changed. 

As He spoke over me, WHO I WAS, WHO HE CREATED ME TO BE, I felt it. In my soul. I felt like the perfect fit, I belonged.  And, suddenly, I knew my IDENTITY. 

I am HIS. 

And as if that isn't enough to make all clouds of fear and doubt fall away, He gave me specifics. 

"JOY" - not just "circumstantial happiness", but real JOY from the Heart of God, poured into me, that I will never lose.

"LOVE" - not a conditional, earthly love, but a REAL, DEEP, TRUE, EVERLASTING LOVE.

"PEACE" - not just "If everything around me is calm, then I feel peaceful", but a REAL PEACE, even when the storm comes and tears my lifeboat to pieces - PEACE.

I mean *shrug* I guess if you like that kind of stuff...#NBD (Dad and Mom, that means No Big Deal) ;P

Multiple times since then, He has either shown me other aspects of my IDENTITY or has ever-so-graciously reminded me of Who I Am in Him. The second I'm tempted to feel worthless, He reminds me, I am sooo "worth it" and have so much "Value" because I am HIS creation. He doesn't make mistakes. He doesn't make junk. He makes Ornately, Impeccably Beautiful things. And because I am washed with the Blood of Jesus, in His Sight, I am perfect, He finds no fault in me.

I mean, just....*Whoa*

You know, the most amazing thing is that when He tells me My Identity, Who He created me to be, It somehow wraps back around to Him and how Majestically Powerful He is. So, it's not even really about ME. It's more about Who I IDENTIFY myself with that gives me my IDENTITY.

So, yeah, Uhmm... 

My Name is JOY and I am a... "Beautiful, Perfect Masterpiece of the Most High God, created in His image to bring His Joy and Life and Peace to the world around me." #nicetomeetya #awkwardsidehug

And, wanna hear something else Awesome??

So are you. <3