Fear

For as long as I can remember, Fear has been my motivator. From the Fear of getting in trouble as a child, to the Fear of there being ANY TENSION AT ALL in ANY relationship, any room, any atmosphere. 

Fear didn't always look like Fear though. Sometimes Fear looked like Humor. Sometimes Fear looked like being a peace-keeper. Sometimes Fear looked like having no opinion of my own and just going with the flow. 

But sometimes Fear looked like physical illness. Sometimes it looked like mental breakdowns. Sometimes it looked like running away, collapsing, hiding in bed for days and weeks at a time. Sometimes it looked like screaming obscenities at the people I love, because they were the closest and safest people to let it all out on. 

Fear brings it's companions, Anxiety, Panic, Depression. Fear wreaks havoc, leaving lots of guilt, loads of shame and a thick darkness in it's wake. Fear cripples. Fear leads to heart attacks, physically, and emotionally. Fear leads to Death. 

I lived in the Valley of Fear and spiritual Death for a majority of my life. It's petrifying. It's hopeless. The way out seems so scary, it doesn't even seem like an option.

Because that's how fear works. It gets into every tiny little crevice of your being and infuses your bloodline, your breath, your survival. And then, when Death is an option, it seems like an escape. It's the only thing that seems like a feasible plan to rid yourself of the constant emotional, mental and physical pain brought on by Fear. 

I have had several vivid encounters with Fear. I'll share one with you, maybe the most painful to re-live. But I am still alive, I am here, so I am compelled to share it, because of the Power of Life.

Aurora was 3. We had lived in such a slowly declining state of Fear that I didn't even really grasp that I was as low and depressed as I was. I wouldn't have even admitted that I was "living in Fear", I was just trying to survive and do "All the right things" so that we could all survive and just get thru the day. And then, maybe one day, things would magically change and everything would be as I had always imagined it would be. I would be the perfect wife that never made her husband upset, he would never need to go anywhere else to be satisfied, he would somehow conquer his addictions and then Anger would finally leave.us.alone. And we could live happily ever after. I was cornered into a little box, feeling like a trapped mouse, feeling no way out. My sources of communication had been taken from me, I felt completely alone. 

One night, he was at work, and I was overflowing with darkness. 

I heard the thought pass through my head. 

The only was out was Death. Death was ready, hand out-stretched. All I had to do was take it, and this could all be over. I laid in the tub, with the razor, sitting on the edge, almost in a trance-like state. Hopeless, full of Fear, feeling dead already. But, God. 

God. The Father. The Creator. The Light. Life. He was sitting there with me. I didn't see Him at the time.  But I know He whispered my ONE reason, my ONE purpose: 

"Aurora"

With that one word, Life was breathed back into me as I took the hand of the One who conquered Death and Fear and Hell. And I got up from the tub, and went and sat by Aurora's bed where she was sleeping. 

And I sobbed. 

I sobbed for all the fear and panic and anxiety and death that had overtaken my life. 

I sobbed for the loss of a life-long dream to have the "perfect little family". And I sobbed for the days and months and years of hiding, of pretending, of covering up the brokenness behind closed doors. 

In that very scary and (looking back on it) very BRAVE moment, I took my first step away from Fear. I remember it like a bad dream. 

Well, actually I always thought of it as a bad dream, until one day, when I was talking with Jesus about it, and He showed me how He was sitting there the whole time, He was the one whispering the only Hope I felt I had at the time. 

And in that moment of realization, it dawned on me, that HE kept me alive because He wanted me to live. Not just "stay alive", "survive"... LIVE, but REALLY LIVE the Abundant Life He came to give me. He WANTED Me to live ABUNDANTLY. HAPPY. PEACEFUL. (Such a foreign concept to my Fear -ridden mind)

Since that moment, I've been able to slowly but surely see how Fear has been a thread throughout my life. And,yeah, it's pretty bad. But, you know what's so incredible? Every time I was given the option of Fear, I was also given the option of Peace.

Fear was LOUD and BOISTEROUS and OBNOXIOUS. 

Peace was calming and quiet. 

I listened to fear because it was louder. I wanted a quick fix, to rid the tension, and Fear seemed like there was an immediate solution every time. 

But Fear has accomplices and they work quietly, sneakily, covertly. And suddenly, I'm in bed, covered in darkness, letting that Fear yell crazy, worry-some thoughts into my head like there's an impending, major emergency it's warning me about! 

"WHAT IF THAT PERSON THINKS THINKS THIS ABOUT YOU!?!??!" 

"WHAT IF YOU MADE THE WRONG DECISION AND SCREWED EVERYTHING UP FOR EVERYONE?!?!" 

"WHAT IF YOUR ENTIRE WORLD COMES CRASHING DOWN BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T SAY THE RIGHT THING AT THE RIGHT TIME??!!" 

More specifically, 

"WHAT IF DREW FINDS SOMETHING/SOMEONE ELSE TO SATISFY HIM BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T ACT/LOOK/TREAT HIM, JUST RIGHT?!?!" 

"WHAT IF EVERYTHING GETS TAKEN FROM YOU BECAUSE YOU DON'T DESERVE IT?!!"

You know, just fun things like that.

But now, I see Peace as an option. NOW, Peace gently nudges me in the face of Fear and says, "Hey, remember?? " Ohhh, yeah. Peace is soooo much....more... uhmmm.. PEACEFUL.

When I look into the Face of Peace, Fear fades away. Into nothingness. 

And people and things and life and plans and schedules...they all just seem to fall into place. 

When I let the Master speak Peace to the Storm in me, I rest. 

I rest in LIFE, as I go about doing all the things I get to do in this amazing, ABUNDANT, full, beautiful, Promise of Life that He has redeemed and given me a second chance at living. And I pretty much love it. 

Except for those pesky little Fear clouds that threaten me every once in a while.... 

I actually have a really great story about those Fear clouds, I'll have to share someday, but right now my toddler just figured out how to climb out of her crib that's already as low as it can get to the ground and she's peeking out her bedroom door, with a huge, dimpled smile.

Looks like it's time to Google search, "How to put your toddler to bed in 1 easy step!" 

Followed by: "Is it safe to add barbed wire to the top of a crib"

Followed by: "Searching for a nanny to work the graveyard shift"

Followed by: "Great Beach Getaways"

I think that's my time, folks. Now, Back to your regularly scheduled social media scrolling....