~SLEEP~

I know I'm not the only one. I know my situation is not special. I get it.

I'm not hoping for sympathy or to voice my complaint, really I'm not.

In the middle of the night when my two year old is screaming out, and I *MEAN* SCREAMING, just as a means of communication, and it's been the fourth time in a row that I've JUST drifted off to sleep when she shrieks out, I'm <<soooo beyond frustration and anger, >> I'm all the way to humor.>>

I find, the worse things are, the funnier they seem to me. I literally will be working through a way to put what's going on, into a facebook status or a funny message to my Mom and/or sisters. Cracking up, while I try to fall back to sleep before I get jolted again by a blood-curdling scream because she would like to be tucked back in "Nice and Cozy!!!"

I'm waaay funnier to myself, in my head, though. Mostly because some of the funny stuff has inappropriate words that I can't share, and  because I know it's my way of coping with utter and torturous sleep deprivation.

I've ALWAYS been a sleep-lover. For many different reasons, sickness, depression, etc. In fact, when my family took three months to travel across the United States one summer, moving from Niagara Falls, Canada to Salem, OR, I slept for ALMOST the entire ride. My dad would try to get us all to look out the window at God's amazing creation, the scenery was unlike anything we had ever seen! And, I would begrudgingly lift my head up and say, "nice. dad." and go back to sleep. I mean, THAT'S how much I LOVED sleep.

What I've learned is that sleep is not bad (ooobviously) But, for me, I really did use sleep as a coping mechanism, to escape life, conflict, tension, seemingly insurmountable responsibilities.  When things got too heavy, too hard, to confusing, I went to bed. I LOOOVE my bed. It's not just a place to sleep, it's a place to escape, to be alone, to hide.

So, yeah, you could say things got pretty serious between us.

I didn't always know this, I just thought I really needed all that sleep. As I've been going thru inner healing processes and finding these things out about myself, Jesus has been so gracious to show me my why's and what's about "a silly little thing" called sleep. When I face a conflict and I talk to Jesus about it and really open my heart to hear how HE wants ME to be healed in this situation and not just "HOW ARE YOU GONNA FIX ALL THIS, LORD?!?!" I find, that 1) I'm not as sleepy anymore 2) I feel more ALIVE 3) When I DO go to sleep, I have waaaay more peace and I can actually sleep soundly, instead of tossing and turning with all the "impossible" situations and scenarios going through my head.

That is, of course, until the little screamer gently awakes me with, "MORRRRE MILK!!!!!" Or, "UP iiiiiii GOOOO!!"

(One of her first words/phrases she ever said- "Up I Go" - when she wants to get up)

So when I know that my sleep deprivation is not because of inner turmoil and it's actually just like a weird joke that babyhood/parenthood is playing on me, then I have jokes about how much I love being a zombie-mommy and how having this child who despises sleep makes it difficult for me to be the type of mother I always envisioned myself being.

That being said, I am beyond amazed at the many that survived this thing, including my mom, who had SEVEN kids, and my siblings with kids, (my brother and his wife, who have NINE!) and other crazy parents... WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS PART?!?!

And, why  didn't MY MOM respond to me the way I want to respond to MY kids. Just this morning, after screaming me awake 8 times last night, my AST (adult-sized-toddler) greeted me with the sweetest, high-pitched, loving, "Good Morning Mom!" and then this happened:

Me: No, Arleigh, it's not a good morning. I'm a little grumpy because you were up screaming all thru the night!
Arleigh: oh! Grumpy, mom?
Me: yes... *grunt*
Arleigh: *pause* *whispers*............ good morning mom! (with the sweetest smile)

So, yeah, I'm not always the "perfect responder" when I'm tired, but I DO thoroughly enjoy the irony of this. I've never been more tired, more upset, more frustrated....and I've never been more aware of the Promise that Jesus gave me years ago that I *WOULD* have another baby and that He had a perfect plan for where, when, who, etc.

Also, I think I've figured out why parents don't tell their kids how hard parenting is, well, several reasons actually:

1) They're probably better parents than I am.

2) They want to trick their kids into thinking it's awesome, so that *BANG* their kids are in the middle of parenting and don't know what hit 'em!

3) They want grandchildren so they can enjoy the kid-thing from a distance, as they watch it dawn on their children just how much respect their parents deserve!

4) They look forward to a little payback, a right-of-passage, if you will, into adulthood.

Well, guess what?! The joke's on them, because:

1) They get the middle-of-the-night phone calls from their crying children that they don't know how to do this, and they have to comfort them,

2) OR they can't sleep at night worrying about their kids and grandchildren and the choices their making, when they raised them differently,

3) They get to watch their kids raise their grandchildren in a totally unconventional, "That's not what I would do" way.

4) And, the kicker: Just because *I'm* a parent doesn't mean I'm going to "adult" all the time.

Here's to the moms, the dads, the caretakers, who have figured out how to survive on minimal spurts of sleep, coffee, and sarcasm.

You're my people now. We need each other.

And, mostly, I need YOU, to read my middle-of-the-night statuses and relate with a little smirk or eye-roll, as you get up to check on your baby, and flop back into bed, can't get back to sleep, pick up your phone to mindlessly scroll, happen upon my sarcastic status and know you're not alone, either.

We're all champs.

Exhausted, dishevelled, 3-day-old-eye-makeup Champs.

One-more-layer-of-deodorant-should-tide-me-over-for-one-more-day-and-one-less-shower CHAMPS.

Let's band together, from afar, in our own homes, without having to get dressed or do our hair,  because honestly, who needs the pressure of being "presentable" at a time like this.

Maybe we'll all be slobbering in a nursing home someday, yelling at our kids, pretending we can't hear them, but when they leave, put the music blaring, dancing around, celebrating that we FINALLY have some uninterrupted time to ourselves!

~Panic~

Not to brag, but I can jump to Panic faster than Clark Kent can change into Superman in a phonebooth. 
Give me a scenario and I'll tell you all the possible things that *can* and *will* go wrong within 10 seconds. 
I'm *THAT* good!

It doesn't start out looking like Panic, it starts out looking like "Being prepared", "Concern", "Being Discerning", but it doesn't take long before it's all-out Panic, (branching out of Fear) in hopes of controlling the environment and all the people involved (is that asking too much?!) all in an effort to feel safe and be at peace. So, basically, as long as I can anticipate each possible bad thing that could happen, I will be prepared to handle it and come out winning!

I mean, don't try this at home, because I'm not sure it's EVER WORKED. And, the preparation process is very time consuming, in fact it's ALL-consuming. 

AND, Crippling. 

(*You really have to listen closely to the advertisements for Panic! This is in the fine print but I didn't really pay attention, because of all the promises that Panic would help me find Peace. 

........"May cause Crippling, Paralyzation of the body, mind and heart, and keep you in bed for days, weeks and months at a time"*) 

Even though it really never works for me, I just never give up hope that it WILL, in THIS ONE case, THIS ONE TIME, work!

Oh, also, it's really important, for me, in this process, my philosophy is basically this, and this is something that I live by, and I always have, and I always will: Don't ever, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been, ever, for any reason whatsoever."....(*Michael Scott, The Office) ask for God's input, at all. Ever. 

My 0% success rate has landed me back in God's presence every single time, frustrated, dazed and confused. Panic has become habit, I don't even have to think about it, It's automatic. I just immediately go there when faced with any sort of pending tension. And, it's incredibly exhausting. 

Fast forward to 2016 and God saying that my word for the year is "Peace". 

"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET THIS WHOLE TIME!!"

Ohhhh, so the way I've been trying to get there hasn't worked, how about a whole different route? And how about a whole different definition of Peace? Uhmm, hmm, Thought about it, I'm in. Again.

And then He shows me this:

Peace: He's sitting by a lazy river, a beautiful breeze, rainbows, butterflies, allthethings.  "He leads me beside the still waters, He restores my Soul" 

{{Mmmm, I'll have that.}} 

He's calm, He's thoroughly enjoying every color, every living thing, every cloud, every ray of Sunshine.

Panic: Jesus is standing outside a deserted, ghost town, it's all grey. Tumble-weeds, Tornadoes sweeping through, wild branches whipping around.  I can almost taste the dust in my mouth. The tornadoes are made up of people and things and emotions and ideas and hurt feeling and expectations and possible outcomes. 

But, Jesus isn't rushing in and trying to calm the tornado and fix all the people and all the problems.

I'm confused and *panicked* - 

"Hurry, fix ALL THE THINGS!! Create peace so I feel safe! ughh, fine I'LL GO IN AND DO IT!!"

 (Clearly, God does NOT know how, when , where, why, etc! And, CLEARLY, I'm needed for this task!)

So, I go in and blindly pull at things and people and nothing's working and the town, like a continuously-shaken snowglobe, (but it's dust) just goes on. 

So, actually, it's more like the inside of a vaccuum cleaner bag. Ew! (#Jimmyfallon)

I step outside of Panic and see Jesus standing there, Peacefully. 

                                       ::*DOES NOT COMPUTE*::

HOW? "How can you just stand there and not go in and fix everything? Aren't You all about PEACE?!"

Yeah, He is. Just not the kind of "peace" I mean. Not the kind of "peace" that's a quick fix that makes me "feel better" and relieves the tension in the moment. He's more about the eternal, everlasting Peace that is present even in Chaos. 

                                            (*squinty eyes*)

Right?? I know. Me, too. That's what I WANT!! That's what I've been trying to accomplish....onmyown. *whispers under breath*

I look over at the lazy river and Jesus sitting there, blowing dandelion fuzz, (I know there's a scientific name for them, but you know what I mean) :) , watching the seeds float lazily away. And, my heart LONGS, pants, thirsts for that. Why can't I get there and stay there?

Oh, that's right, because I think I can control people and situations, better than God can - so, in a way, I'm putting myself in the place of God - BECOMING who I think God should be, trying to do what I think God should do in the situation. Again, with the "Ew!" 

                                         *DO NOT WANT"* ((Shaking head feverishly))

{{:::Picture clicks:::}}

God, Peace Himself, is walking thru a cloudy, dingy room. He's calmly setting a banquet table, it's beautiful. But the room is not. 

He anoints me. Commissioning me to walk in the Identity He gave me.

He starts pouring into me, Life, Breath, Identity. My Cup overflows. 

This is starting to seem familiar.

Psalm 23.  #everheardofit?! 

He prepares a table, in the presence of Fear, Panic, Depression, Anxiety. He wants me to stay, to sit with Him, to just BE, in my Identity, in Him. 

But, how?! There's chaos everywhere! 

He doesn't just HAVE Peace. He IS Peace. 

So when, I'm *in the middle of* the Valley of Fear and Death, I can have Peace, because He is with me. It's not one or the other. I don't have to be EITHER by the river of Peace OR in the middle of Panic. I can have Peace in the middle of the Panic all around me. 

                                                            *Mind Blown*

Oh, and one more {pretty big} thing. He reminded me that my calling, my identity, is NOT to BE *God*. He's pretty much got that role handled. 

(I mean, a few more years and He should have it down pat!) 

You know that saying, "Be Yourself! Everyone else is taken" ? -Well, in this case, I've been given permission to be MYSELF, who He created me to be - the role of God is taken. *AAAAlellu-yaaahh!! Cuz that was getting to be a tough job!*

And, the more I spend time with God, not only do I become MORE like *Him*, I become more like the person He created ME to be. So, thasss priiittty cool.

At this point, it doesn't take a genius to figure out, I'm running, panting, from Panic and into the Presence of Peace (*trying not to get panicked about getting there fast enough*)

And, I sit by Jesus and ...well, you know the way it goes... He talks with Me and He tells me I am His own and the JOY we share, as we tarry there, none other has ever known....

But, now that I know it, I hope other people really do know it, too, because it really stinks to be stuck in Panic, when all I have to do is reach out and touch the Hand of Jesus, look into His eyes and be taken from Panic to Peace, in a flash. 

::::: Ahhh, Now that I'm over the panic of getting this written down, I think I'll go sit by the River.::::

Identity

Hi, my name is Joy and I'm a ..... a.... Uhmm... Can you re-phrase the question? What do I ...identify.... with? What is my... identity? *Shrug*

For a long time, I could finish that with "...whoever/whatever you need me to be in this moment..."

Much like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, I was really good at being who the person I was with, needed me to be. That kind of went hand-in-hand with being run by Fear. For fear of rejection, I would BE, DO, ACT, Become who I thought was going to be the most accepted by whomever I was around. That kept things peaceful... externally...for a while. 
Internally, It was chaotic, a mess, a disaster. I remember hearing the song "Beautiful Disaster" and thinking..."Hey, that's ME! ...Except for the beautiful part...." 

Now, let's back up, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

My first name is Sara.

*Gasp*

Everyone Caaalllm Dowwwnn.

I know, I know, it feels like you don't even know me now. Let me explain.

My parents named me Sara Joy, knowing that they were going to call me by my middle name. #itsalongstory #askmymom

So, I've always gone by "Joy", which worked out well, since there were about 5 "Sara's" in our school, and helped differentiate ME from all the other Sara(h)'s I'd end up knowing throughout my life. So, it was pretty early on when I heard, for the first of a gazillion times, "Oh, JOY? Well, it's a JOY to meet you!" or "Do you have the joy joy joy joy down in your heart? or "Joy to the world??" etc. I really didn't/don't mind, but, at some point I started feeling this very strong disassociation with my name. Which is kind of like a crisis of identity, I would say. 

In fact, (*Mom and Dad plug your ears*) for a while, as an adult, while I was at work, or meeting someone new, outside my normal surroundings, I'd introduce myself as "Sara", which seemed equally as disconnected, but more inconspicuous. I FELT like when people heard my name was  "Joy", there was a level of expectation that came along with that name. Like, I should be FULL of happiness, Joy, Laughter, good times, positive, only-ever thinking/feeling good thoughts...just a perpetual ray of sunshine, kind of expectation. It was waaayy easier to hide behind a common name like "Sara" than to have the fanfare that went with the name JOY <echo>: ((joy)) ((joy)) ((joy))

Anyway, that's how I saw it. 

The hardest part was knowing that inside I felt as dark as the ham I just burnt for New Year's Eve. 

No, but seriously.

Depression would come like a tsunami and I would be shut down and in bed for days and weeks...which turned into months, and I felt hopeless.

Depression and Anxiety - ugh, just a lethal combination, ya'know?? 

But, that's how I'm finding the enemy really works, it's not just ONE THING, it's that one thing that has a hundred little things attached to it, that you (I) don't even see coming, and then I'm blind-sided because: "I DIDN'T AGREE TO ALL OF THIS!" 

Here's how it works for me:

I get really hurt/disappointed by someone/something > the enemy whispers, "That person is awful! Unforgivable! You should never let them treat you that way!"> Me: heartily agrees> "In fact, you should NEVER LET ANYONE hurt you EVER AGAIN!"> Me: Agrees again>"The only way to do that is to not trust anyone!" >Yup, yup, you're right! > "No one understands you, no one really gets you, it's not even worth talking about to anyone they'd never understand!" > Me: *slowly pulls covers over head and begins hermit hibernation period* > Unforgiveness opens the door and lets Anger, Jealousy, Resentment, Bitterness and Rage in> They each bring a friend (fear, panic, anxiety, depression)> Enemy wins, I snooze. #seewhatididthere??

So, yeah that worked for a really long time.. 

Until I was posed with this question: "How's that workin' for ya??" and I got to take a look at it and had to honestly answer: "Nope. Not good."

But it was not until that moment, and it was BECAUSE of that moment of honesty, that Darkness, who thought they had won with me, started getting fidgety. Darkness knows that when the tiniest bit of Light enters, Darkness cannot stay. 

It disappears, it dissipates. 

And, in that moment (and hundreds more since then) of admitting that I was not OK, Darkness started losing it's grip on me. And the Light became stronger and more powerful and brighter. And suddenly, I started seeing things more clearly, in the Light and Truth of His Presence. I started seeing how the enemy had twisted and turned me around so tightly, that I was actually COMFORTABLE with the way the chains fit. 

I had made a bed in the Lies and garbage they had handed me. I made a pillow out of self-pity; a heavy, dark cloak of "Not Good Enough" was my comforter. 

As long as I believed that about myself, that I was NOT GOOD ENOUGH, NEVER WOULD BE good enough - then I would believe I was Insignificant, not Valuable, Worthless, which would make me believe that I had no reason for even being on this earth. No purpose, nothing to offer anyone -  which would keep me holed-up in bed, isolated. 

***Wait, whaaat?! How did I get here?!*** 

Many times, I've come back to this vicious cycle and realized that yet again, in some other way, the enemy used something or someone to trick me into following this trainwreck of a thought process. And before I knew it, I was emotionally, mentally, and spiritually paralyzed. 

The thought had never crossed my mind to "Ask the Lord about it", or to "Take it to the Lord" (whatever that meant at the time) because, well, gosh, if He KNEW what was REALLY going on inside my heart - uhhhm, no. Nope. Not gonna happen. 

But, to be honest, another side of it was this: Why SHOULD I "take it to Him"? Where has HE been in all this process? I don't see a "mighty hand" rescuing me from getting hurt, teleporting me into an amazing new situation *Insert Oprah voice: "*YOU* get a new life! AND *YOU* GET A NEW LIFE!! AND *YOU* GET A NEW LIFE!!!"*

But, for real. Where the heck had HE been?! And since I'm not supposed to "question God". then I just lived with a heavy case of the Grudge against Him. 

I know! *gasp*, again... Blasphemous!

And then, the craziest, most amazing, most supernatural "spiritual" thing I've ever experienced happened. Light entered my heart. LIGHT. Like, in both senses of the word The LIGHT and a "lightness". Suddenly, it didn't feel heavy and dark. The Presence of Almighty God entered. And I sat in silence, in shock, stunned. 

"So, THIS is You? Like,the REAL YOU?? Not the "Wizard of Oz, smokescreen-god" I had made up in my head??

And, you're NOT mad at me? You're not disgusted with me? You're not here to punish me for every wrong move I've made?!" 

I remember it like it was this very moment. He was...IS ...LOVE. SO MUCH LOVE. Unexplainable. Indescribable. LOVE.

And, I CRIED. I mean, sobbing, blubbering, snot, ugly cry, I-thought-my-eyes-were-going-to-come-out-of-my-head, cry. 

But, at the same time, I felt warm. I felt comforted. I felt accepted. Ahh, Truth, it really does Set Us Free. 

"Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone." Ugh, I wish I had written that song. That's exactly what happened to ME! I felt weight after weight, chain after chain, death cloths that I had been wrapped in, blindfolds and hooded capes....I felt them evaporate. And He hadn't even said anything yet. 

Just His Presence, and Darkness was reminded that HE.WINS.EVERY.TIME.

There is no fury like when His Love comes to the Rescue. 

My thoughts RACED: 

"He really IS Jealous for me. He IS Stronger. He is ALMIGHTY. And, He cares THAT much about me. ME! ME?! Why??"

 I knew who I was, what I'd done, what I had believed, how I chose to believe Satan over Him...and yet, He was choosing ME.

In fact, He *CHOSE* ME. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that He came to earth, endured life and death, CONQUERED Death and Hell, DEFEATED Satan... for ME. I mean, for the WORLD? Yeah! Duh! There's a scripture and a song about it! But, ME?? WHY???

His words, engraved on my heart, were as clear as glass:

"You are my creation. I created YOU with a special purpose in mind. {Purpose? I have a purpose?!} From before you were born, I formed you, I named you JOY. I sent you into this particular family at this particular time for a particular purpose. I have a WHOLE LIFE planned for you. A 'golden city' that is yours for the taking, if you want it. Because you are JOY. Daughter of the Almighty King. You are precious to me. You are my friend. "

FRIEND?! *head spinning* Not JUST a great Big Judge that is waiting to hit me over the head everytime I mess up? A Friend, like, you mean, someone who wants to hang out with me? Someone who wants to hear my heart, even if it's ugly? 

Are you getting why and how my world shifted? My entire view of God *poof* changed. 

As He spoke over me, WHO I WAS, WHO HE CREATED ME TO BE, I felt it. In my soul. I felt like the perfect fit, I belonged.  And, suddenly, I knew my IDENTITY. 

I am HIS. 

And as if that isn't enough to make all clouds of fear and doubt fall away, He gave me specifics. 

"JOY" - not just "circumstantial happiness", but real JOY from the Heart of God, poured into me, that I will never lose.

"LOVE" - not a conditional, earthly love, but a REAL, DEEP, TRUE, EVERLASTING LOVE.

"PEACE" - not just "If everything around me is calm, then I feel peaceful", but a REAL PEACE, even when the storm comes and tears my lifeboat to pieces - PEACE.

I mean *shrug* I guess if you like that kind of stuff...#NBD (Dad and Mom, that means No Big Deal) ;P

Multiple times since then, He has either shown me other aspects of my IDENTITY or has ever-so-graciously reminded me of Who I Am in Him. The second I'm tempted to feel worthless, He reminds me, I am sooo "worth it" and have so much "Value" because I am HIS creation. He doesn't make mistakes. He doesn't make junk. He makes Ornately, Impeccably Beautiful things. And because I am washed with the Blood of Jesus, in His Sight, I am perfect, He finds no fault in me.

I mean, just....*Whoa*

You know, the most amazing thing is that when He tells me My Identity, Who He created me to be, It somehow wraps back around to Him and how Majestically Powerful He is. So, it's not even really about ME. It's more about Who I IDENTIFY myself with that gives me my IDENTITY.

So, yeah, Uhmm... 

My Name is JOY and I am a... "Beautiful, Perfect Masterpiece of the Most High God, created in His image to bring His Joy and Life and Peace to the world around me." #nicetomeetya #awkwardsidehug

And, wanna hear something else Awesome??

So are you. <3

Fear

For as long as I can remember, Fear has been my motivator. From the Fear of getting in trouble as a child, to the Fear of there being ANY TENSION AT ALL in ANY relationship, any room, any atmosphere. 

Fear didn't always look like Fear though. Sometimes Fear looked like Humor. Sometimes Fear looked like being a peace-keeper. Sometimes Fear looked like having no opinion of my own and just going with the flow. 

But sometimes Fear looked like physical illness. Sometimes it looked like mental breakdowns. Sometimes it looked like running away, collapsing, hiding in bed for days and weeks at a time. Sometimes it looked like screaming obscenities at the people I love, because they were the closest and safest people to let it all out on. 

Fear brings it's companions, Anxiety, Panic, Depression. Fear wreaks havoc, leaving lots of guilt, loads of shame and a thick darkness in it's wake. Fear cripples. Fear leads to heart attacks, physically, and emotionally. Fear leads to Death. 

I lived in the Valley of Fear and spiritual Death for a majority of my life. It's petrifying. It's hopeless. The way out seems so scary, it doesn't even seem like an option.

Because that's how fear works. It gets into every tiny little crevice of your being and infuses your bloodline, your breath, your survival. And then, when Death is an option, it seems like an escape. It's the only thing that seems like a feasible plan to rid yourself of the constant emotional, mental and physical pain brought on by Fear. 

I have had several vivid encounters with Fear. I'll share one with you, maybe the most painful to re-live. But I am still alive, I am here, so I am compelled to share it, because of the Power of Life.

Aurora was 3. We had lived in such a slowly declining state of Fear that I didn't even really grasp that I was as low and depressed as I was. I wouldn't have even admitted that I was "living in Fear", I was just trying to survive and do "All the right things" so that we could all survive and just get thru the day. And then, maybe one day, things would magically change and everything would be as I had always imagined it would be. I would be the perfect wife that never made her husband upset, he would never need to go anywhere else to be satisfied, he would somehow conquer his addictions and then Anger would finally leave.us.alone. And we could live happily ever after. I was cornered into a little box, feeling like a trapped mouse, feeling no way out. My sources of communication had been taken from me, I felt completely alone. 

One night, he was at work, and I was overflowing with darkness. 

I heard the thought pass through my head. 

The only was out was Death. Death was ready, hand out-stretched. All I had to do was take it, and this could all be over. I laid in the tub, with the razor, sitting on the edge, almost in a trance-like state. Hopeless, full of Fear, feeling dead already. But, God. 

God. The Father. The Creator. The Light. Life. He was sitting there with me. I didn't see Him at the time.  But I know He whispered my ONE reason, my ONE purpose: 

"Aurora"

With that one word, Life was breathed back into me as I took the hand of the One who conquered Death and Fear and Hell. And I got up from the tub, and went and sat by Aurora's bed where she was sleeping. 

And I sobbed. 

I sobbed for all the fear and panic and anxiety and death that had overtaken my life. 

I sobbed for the loss of a life-long dream to have the "perfect little family". And I sobbed for the days and months and years of hiding, of pretending, of covering up the brokenness behind closed doors. 

In that very scary and (looking back on it) very BRAVE moment, I took my first step away from Fear. I remember it like a bad dream. 

Well, actually I always thought of it as a bad dream, until one day, when I was talking with Jesus about it, and He showed me how He was sitting there the whole time, He was the one whispering the only Hope I felt I had at the time. 

And in that moment of realization, it dawned on me, that HE kept me alive because He wanted me to live. Not just "stay alive", "survive"... LIVE, but REALLY LIVE the Abundant Life He came to give me. He WANTED Me to live ABUNDANTLY. HAPPY. PEACEFUL. (Such a foreign concept to my Fear -ridden mind)

Since that moment, I've been able to slowly but surely see how Fear has been a thread throughout my life. And,yeah, it's pretty bad. But, you know what's so incredible? Every time I was given the option of Fear, I was also given the option of Peace.

Fear was LOUD and BOISTEROUS and OBNOXIOUS. 

Peace was calming and quiet. 

I listened to fear because it was louder. I wanted a quick fix, to rid the tension, and Fear seemed like there was an immediate solution every time. 

But Fear has accomplices and they work quietly, sneakily, covertly. And suddenly, I'm in bed, covered in darkness, letting that Fear yell crazy, worry-some thoughts into my head like there's an impending, major emergency it's warning me about! 

"WHAT IF THAT PERSON THINKS THINKS THIS ABOUT YOU!?!??!" 

"WHAT IF YOU MADE THE WRONG DECISION AND SCREWED EVERYTHING UP FOR EVERYONE?!?!" 

"WHAT IF YOUR ENTIRE WORLD COMES CRASHING DOWN BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T SAY THE RIGHT THING AT THE RIGHT TIME??!!" 

More specifically, 

"WHAT IF DREW FINDS SOMETHING/SOMEONE ELSE TO SATISFY HIM BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T ACT/LOOK/TREAT HIM, JUST RIGHT?!?!" 

"WHAT IF EVERYTHING GETS TAKEN FROM YOU BECAUSE YOU DON'T DESERVE IT?!!"

You know, just fun things like that.

But now, I see Peace as an option. NOW, Peace gently nudges me in the face of Fear and says, "Hey, remember?? " Ohhh, yeah. Peace is soooo much....more... uhmmm.. PEACEFUL.

When I look into the Face of Peace, Fear fades away. Into nothingness. 

And people and things and life and plans and schedules...they all just seem to fall into place. 

When I let the Master speak Peace to the Storm in me, I rest. 

I rest in LIFE, as I go about doing all the things I get to do in this amazing, ABUNDANT, full, beautiful, Promise of Life that He has redeemed and given me a second chance at living. And I pretty much love it. 

Except for those pesky little Fear clouds that threaten me every once in a while.... 

I actually have a really great story about those Fear clouds, I'll have to share someday, but right now my toddler just figured out how to climb out of her crib that's already as low as it can get to the ground and she's peeking out her bedroom door, with a huge, dimpled smile.

Looks like it's time to Google search, "How to put your toddler to bed in 1 easy step!" 

Followed by: "Is it safe to add barbed wire to the top of a crib"

Followed by: "Searching for a nanny to work the graveyard shift"

Followed by: "Great Beach Getaways"

I think that's my time, folks. Now, Back to your regularly scheduled social media scrolling....

PEACE

Every year, for the last 6 or 7 years, I've asked Jesus to give me a word to carry with me thru the year. And, each year, He puts a word in my head that just sticks out and seems to pop into my head for weeks until I realize "OH! that's my word!" So, I claim it and watch how the Lord uses it in my life as the year unravels. And, it's CRAZY how it is always the theme for my year. 
Last year, I knew my word was "Transition"... and I knew it was from the Lord, because I would NOT have used that word - I was looking more for a word like, "RELAX"- "Rest"- " VACATION" -  haha - But, maaaan, was last year a transition year for us all! Drew's focus shifted to getting his Teaching License, which brought him back to taking college classes, in addition to his other responsibilities. Aurora transitioned into a pre-teen, which brings challenges and maturity. Arleigh transitioned from a baby to a full grown adult...just kidding, but seriously, sometimes, it's like "What happened to the baby stage?! I thought that was supposed to last for like 4 years??" And, I transitioned from being a hermit after going thru a pregnancy and newborn that kept me house bound and completely unavailable for social life, to teaching piano/voice lessons and leading the kids choir at church and being a part of the worship team. Lots of new things, lots of transitioning, lots of really good things, lots of really hard hurdles and lots of incredible victories. 

As December 2015 hit, my mind and heart starting looking forward to 2016 and what my word was going to be. But December was insanely busy. We had a a birthday, a birthday party, school Christmas events and basketball games and practices, Church Christmas events, Family events, including an adoption ceremony and party, and then of course, celebrating Christmas with 30 of my 40 family members at the coast for a few days....OH! Also, sickness was thrown into the mix - never a dull moment around here! 

As January approached, I was literally feeling panic, anxiety and stress over not knowing what my word was going to be. How can the year start without me knowing what word to plan my year around!? I started throwing words around like nerf darts in my head, hoping just one would stick, and ...nothing. 

Oh come on, surely ONE of these could work! "Bloom" "Strength" "Unity"...They're all good, folks! Pick one! 10..9...8...7...6.... Aghhh!! I DON'T HAVE A WORD!! As the ball drops, I'm looking up the definition of Auld Lang Syne - maybe that's my word!! Nope. I'm seriously desperate. Like, it's stupid how desperate I am. 

Jan. 1 comes and goes. I've already started off my year wrong. Every time I think about it, I feel weird. Like, panic, anxiety, guilt, worry....And then, finally, Jan 2, I'm falling asleep and I hear it so clearly - PEACE. 

Wait, really!? Is that my WORD!? Could it be? 'Cuz that would be freaking awesome right about now. *thinking...searching my heart...asking God* 

Yeah.

It's peace. 

I can't tell you the weight that slid off my back and heart at that one word. Looking back on December, I think "Maaan, I should've been claiming PEACE all month already!" 

- "Comes in handy down here, bub!" (It's a Wonderful Life) 

I started listing in my head all the things I could've claimed "Peace" over instead of anxiety, stress, fear, panic...and as I thought of each one, I had such a mixture of emotions - but mostly, sadness that I had missed out on so much Peace that was there, ready for me to reach out and claim, instead of the times I reached for fear instead. 

The idea that Peace awaits me, that Peace is so ready and available for me at every single moment of my day, of my LIFE, is such a relief. 

Peace brings me closer to the presence of God, which is really my heart's desire anyway. The reason I was created. To be in His presence. PEACE.

And every time I choose to chase panic and weigh myself down in chains of Fear, I am so distracted at carrying those heavy burdens that my heart shifts it's focus and I forget that God is holding me, all my worries, my schedule, my children, my husband, every aspect of my life... and it's not heavy for Him, it's not overwhelming, He's not worried, He's not panicked. 

When I choose Peace, even if my surroundings aren't peaceful, calm and quiet, I can be experiencing peace inside me. 

When I choose to look into the Eyes and Heart of God, I see Peace. Love, Joy, etc. I don't see a furrowed brow concerned about how my day is going to turn out, how my choices today will affect my future, if I'm making the PERFECT CHOICE for right now... I see Love.  

Love that brings me Peace. 

A calming Presence that brings Joy. 

It's a ripple effect. By looking to Him, the storm around me and inside me is completely calmed. I hear "Peace, Be still" and I want that. I want that Peace. My heart cries out for Peace, but sometimes it still *feels* fear, anxiety, panic. But when I look into His eyes, it comes like a slow motion wave over my dry, desert, thirsty heart. It envelopes my soul like a welcomed, warm, comforting fire, after being out in a cold, wet, thunderstorm. 

It feels like home. 

And, I am a Home body. I like being Home. 

So this year, I'm almost giddy over getting handed the word "Peace" from God. I feel like I got the exact gift my heart needed for this year. 

ALMOST like He knows me, a little bit. *wink*

My heart has been flooded with scripture about Peace in the last few days. Every song I hear seems to have the theme of Peace. I love when I join the ranks of people down through history that have been on the same quest as I find myself now.

Peace. It's not just something beauty contestants say to win the pageant. 

Psalm 46:5- God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved...

Mmmm that sounds good, I'll have that. (Dumb and Dumber)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNqo4Un2uZI

So, here's to a year filled with unexplainable, lasting, supernatural PEACE! 

P.S. Also, keep in mind that this was written while the pre-teen was chasing the adult-sized toddler around the house trying to get a tube of lipstick out of her hand, Drew was putting away all the Christmas decorations, (a million points to Drew) - Arleigh played with playdough, then had lunch and I put her to bed, which she then proceeded to climb out of her crib for the first (of many) time (s)... I thought it was fitting. A good challenge to write a post about peace during a (subjectively) not-peaceful time.